On May 7th 2021, I had gotten about 2 hours of sleep, when the loud beeping sound of the monitor in the next room woke me up. The next second, dad came and told me that it was a flat line. I ran. I ran and held her hand, started rubbing her hands and legs coz they were getting cold. I started speaking to her, “Mamma, come on. Wake up. No, you can’t do this, come on!” But that was it. She was gone. After a year full of struggles to walk, breathe, eat, sleep, two heart attacks, a brain damage, months together in the hospital, mamma was gone. And there I was, broken. I had been strong, but at that moment, I felt nothing. Emotions were long gone.
In a year, we had seen more hospitals, doctors, medicines and gods than before. But she had lost her sense of movement, held back her dreams of travel and studies, suffered a respiratory failure, 2 heart attacks and a brain damage. But somewhere, amidst all that we tried to keep her with us, Dad, my sister and I knew that it was better for her to go than live through the voice-less and motion-less suffering. I sat all day telling people she was gone, it didn’t hit me. I sat all night, looking at her in the glass coffin, it still didn’t hit me. I rubbed her forehead one last time, they shut the doors of the ambulance, and it still didn’t hit me. It still hasn’t. Hope does that to us. It probably will take longer than ever for it to strike me that she hasn’t gone on one of her trips to be back, but it is what it is.
In a week, it’s going to be a year, and I can say that although it’s not gotten better, time and situations have taught me to live better. Having had the support, love and care from innumerable people in this journey, especially when we did the fundraiser for mom, the amount of gratitude in me has grown exponentially. The hobbies that my crazy, open-minded, and brilliant parents always encouraged me to pursue came in handy more than ever. I could put us 4 in those sketches I drew, the poems I wrote, the characters I performed, or examples I facilitated in my sessions. But what I learnt the most with this broken heart, was to live each day like she lived; Be a student (quite literally) like she (and dad) did as it builds perspectives; Travel no matter what for experiences teach you the most; Talk, communicate, laugh, smile, cry, and what not, express yourself. Try it all. This is one life, live it and love it. Love yourself coz life will love you, and that love will heal you.
Being a movie buff, I try watching one movie everyday. Whether it’s the characters or the actors, the storyline or the songs, there’s something that can always be taken away from them. One such quote from a movie that has stuck to me – like mom’s learnings is, “Every little action of the common day makes or unmakes character.”
Not only did this quote resonate with me. But it also reminded me of how I’m a human with big dreams and a life to live. Hence, despite having a broken heart now, I’m slowly fixing it up to find my way towards living those dreams in life!
Total Work Experience : 4 Years (Infosys)