Ankita Shaw

I broke up with my boyfriend in this pandemic. It felt like I was not important to him anymore. We’re from different states and we were staying apart. So, phone calls and texts were the only medium between us. I used to wait all day long for his one simple phone call, but I guess he was too busy to do that. Even the replies to my long texts restricted to ‘hmm’ ‘ok’. And it was hard for me to concentrate on my work. Funny thing is, when we needed to be in touch the most, we stopped talking to each other. I don’t blame him completely, maybe I was too hard on him during the crisis time. So, it was both of us.

Though it is not as simple as it sounds. It was my 1st ever relationship. It was special. And that break up took a toll on me. I was almost going into depression. I felt like going through hell with no ray of hope for happiness. I lost my appetite, putting a fake smile in front of everyone, wanting to sleep all day long. Not even Korean dramas which are my ultimate source of happiness, were able to lift my spirit. Maybe everyone goes through this after a break-up and it becomes alright after a while. But trust me, the phase is the most difficult one, that almost every person goes through. It breaks you so hard that it changes you and let you grow as a person.

I was not the only one in a difficult situation, my sister was there too. We share almost everything. And she had a boyfriend to whom she wanted to get married but parents were not accepting their relationship. They tried hard to convince mom & dad. For them, the cultural difference was the main concern as my sister’s boyfriend was from southern part of India. The fear of judgements from the society has taken over the love for their daughter. At last my sister gave up and decided to go against our parent’s wishes to get married. She secretly planned everything for herself alone, invested her hard-own money for their wedding. And each detail was known to me, my sister discussed everything with me. She trusted me and I was her sole confidant in the house. She wanted my support, but I was so invested in my break-up that I didn’t realize; I could have made difference. These days, I and my sister fought and said things to each other we never even imagined. I was torn between my parents and my sister. I was tired of being the tie between my parents and my sister as I was getting hurt from both sides. On the other hand, I was feeling guilty about all these. It felt, all this happened because of me and I could have done something. My parents still don’t know that I was aware of everything beforehand. On these days, I have seen every ugly fight that has happened in the house. My parents lost their confidence in me as well and according to them after all their doting tasks to me and my sister, we didn’t give back anything to them. But finally, everything came to an end. My parents accepted my sister and jiju. They had a full-fledged Indian wedding.

I am still healing from the emotional damage. Even on the day of my CAT exam, my parents yelled at me. I had never felt so dejected. There’s no one to support me. I lost the closest bonds I had with most important people in my life. Is there even any hope left for me?

But I did appear in the CAT exam amidst the situation back at home. It was not about the result, it was about the gut-feeling that I don’t want to lose. I will fight the situation, even if I don’t win, I will not give up. At least I would be known to myself as a fighter, not a loser. After the exam when I said to my mother that my exam was not so good. She casually without even blinking an eye said that “Bhalo hyeche, porikha bhalo hle tui o amader chere chole jabi didi r moton” (It is good that your exam didn’t go well, else you would also leave us like your sister). And that would always ring into my ears for life. My parents think that all this happened because they provided us with a good education and liberty to follow western culture. So, if I would continue higher education then I would aim only for my dreams and won’t look after them. It definitely breaks my heart but, I know I would find a way out in between i.e., taking care of my parents and chasing my dreams. Even if they don’t have faith in me.

I strongly believe everything happen for best. This whole hassle made me stronger than before. And I also believe that if I wouldn’t have kept the secret, if I would have told my parents, they would have made sure that my sister & jiju wouldn’t get married. That thought keeps me going and protects me from guilt. I helped to unify two people in love and that’s my biggest take away. When I see my sister glistering with happiness, I feel happy myself. I look up to her as a warrior who went against the social norms. She didn’t succumb or gave in to society. She fought for her own happiness. She has the kind of courage and boldness which honestly, I don’t think I have in me. If I were in her shoes, I would have given in to the social demands of what and how a woman should be like and whom to marry. She’s my inspiration. I wish the way she protected me throughout my life from unfairness, I would protect her too. We will always have each other’s back. I look forward to better times yet to come and mend the bonds. I will keep going on against all the odds and I have faith I will shine through.

Total Work Experience : 2 Years (Infosys)