[Trigger Warning] : Rape, Suicide and Bullying. I was born and brought up in Birbhum, a small village in West Bengal. My father was the only doctor in that village, in a local health center. I completed my kindergarten there in a “Pathshala”. It was there I got to know that I was having stammering issues.
After 5 years, my family moved to Kolkata and from there all the problem started. My school was another world in itself. The students were very spontaneous. They belonged to sophisticated families. It was very tough for me to survive there. My classmates used to laugh at me because of my stammering issues. So, I stopped talking to people and eventually I became an introvert. My teachers used to give me advices like – “Start talking in front of a mirror, it will never laugh at you”.
From 6th class onwards, I started facing other issues. One day, when I was in the washroom, some of my classmates tried to rape me. They stripped me naked and were shoving me from here to there. I was devastated. I went to my teachers and told them about it. But they denied the situation and told me that it was not possible.
It drove me into deep pits of depression. I decided to commit suicide. One night, I planned to take 12-15 pills but somehow my mother found out. The thought of failing in committing suicide bothered me more. I tried it again, but to no avail. After couple of days while going to school, I again had the suicidal thoughts. Hence I decided… while returning, I would jump before the train. But fate had some other plans for me. Everything changed when I entered the classroom that day.
I saw a new guy in my class. He smiled at me and said, “I have a place beside me. You can come and sit here.”
He was ‘My knight in Shining armor’. From that day I did not fear anyone because he used to protect me everywhere. When I met him, I was completely traumatized. However, after spending time with him, I started opening up to him. He used to take me to the school counselor and sit with me throughout the counselling session.
After few months I realized that I had feelings for him. I thought it was out of gratitude since he did so much for me. Finally I expressed my feelings to him and said “I love You.” Even at that age he was mature enough to handle the situation. He did not judge me and he said – “You never know what can happen”.
By that time, I had stopped going to the counselor. I had finally found my voice. He used to get proposals from several girls. But he used to fake that he was in a relationship with me. He used to think that if he got into a relationship with a girl then I would become alone again.
He used to ask me multiple times – “Do you have feelings for any other boys other than me?” I used to say that I was straight.
Time passed by. I became a National Champion in Elocution, a state champion in swimming and a District Champion in Theatres. Soon, we completed our schooling and were set to move on to different colleges.
It was my first day in the college and I got a message from him. It said –
You have become a voice in my head. Whatever I do, I cannot stop thinking about you. You always wanted to give me a lot of things in return for what I have done for you. I am asking you to block me now. I am blocking you from everywhere. Never try to find me.
Knight in Shining Armor”
I was numb. My thoughts were killing me for what I had done. I finally realized that he also had feelings for me. But couldn’t say it since I always said that I was straight. I remember, it was the inauguration day in my college. The speaker asked if anyone wanted to say anything. I mustered all my courage and went to the stage. I took the mic and said “I am Sandipan Das. I am bisexual and I am proud!”. And there has been no looking back, since.
Total Work Experience : 1.5 years (Infosys)